His Direct Involvement Companion™ went “tsk” as Steven finished the email and hit “send”. That was the third time this morning. Steven was already sick of it.
As part of a new global initiative, the company had assigned all staff a DIC™. Steven’s, a dumpy little fellow named Bob, had arrived at his home last night. Bob slept on the floor. When Steven woke the next morning. Bob was dressed in an unflattering purple jumpsuit emblazoned with the motto “Be Yourself: There’s Nobody Better Qualified.” He was doing callisthenics.
Bob made a disappointed sound when Steven didn’t grab a seat on the train. Bob repeated the sound when Steven accepted his coffee in a cup that was too hot to hold. And now Bob appeared to disapprove of the conciliatory tone he had struck in emails. “That was a personal email,” Steven said. “Is there a problem?”
‘Personal life is work And work life is personal,” said Bob. “We’re here to help you in all aspects of your Assertive Happiness Screening®.”
AHS® was also one of the new CEO’s latest brainwaves. In a web address that played every time a browser was opened, the CEO stated he was worried staff weren’t grabbing happiness with both hands. He wanted to fix that. Our DIC™s, who had already achieved a 34% rise in satisfaction and contentment amongst the Latin American affiliates, would be our “third hand, so to speak.”
Steven gave Bob a long look, “Bob,” said Steven. “How about you fuck off.”
A hush fell over the floor. All the DIC™s were shocked. Like the Buddha achieving nirvana in an instant, Steven had just ascended to the seventh and final stage of Assertive Happiness.